In memory of David Bowie, Space Oddity – Mini Ukulele Cover

chronic procrastination

this is possibly the evidence that i have a chronic procrastination problem.

every time i need to do something, i end up coming here and explain what i would be doing if i wasn’t writing this post. and every time it is something that is related to work or school.

oh god i even started to procrastinate when i was trying to write this post… i am not going to try more. just updating you, i’m kinda busy.

peace ouuutttttt

My inner voice won’t stop and I wouldn’t be able to do anything this weekend if I don’t put something out in writing. So, here I am.

I’m thinking about some physical positivities and negativities that I’ve observed in my body. Firstly, I have better skin. I still have some closed comodones on my chin, but my skin progressed a lot, it is especially good today. My hair, is not that bad anymore, I like the “long pixie”. My short hair cut started to become a layered bob, so that’s that. I’m trying to improve my sexual-self inside and outside, which I don’t feel ready to talk about yet. Maybe I will. Depending on the comments, maybe. And I have seen some improvement. I am trying to take care of my body, I try to drink more water, I try to do some yoga, I try to exfoliate my body skin and try some stuff new in the shower, etc. The only negative thing that I have about my body is my weight. I’m getting heavier and heavier. I wouldn’t feel so bad about gaining weight if I wasn’t eating junk food, but I do. I don’t eat it as much as a normal teenager’s everyday junk food portion still, but I eat it. I feel like I shouldn’t be eating it at all. And if you know me, I’m chewing a lot of gum, non-sugar ones. It’s kind of becoming an addiction. I need to minimize chewing gum, or stop it, but I love it a lot and it kind of keeps me from eating junk food I guess. So I have some ridiculous gum addiction and eating disorder problems this month. Yeah. Problems of a weirdo.

And obviously there are some psychological stuff that has been on me for quite a while. I still feel so blank and uninspired, and even though I was pretty sure that I was going to be an academician on geology, I sometimes ask “am I doing the right thing?” questions to myself. Because I don’t do any work, I am not excited about it anymore lately. But I am not excited about anything except TV shows and stuff, so maybe this is just temporary. I guess feeling weird about geology is just my need to get out of this world, like the fact that I don’t want to live in Turkey anymore. I want to be in a place that I would feel like a normal person. I don’t want to fear walking down at the streets that are just only 1 or 2 kms away from my home. I don’t want to live in this environment. I don’t want to feel poor, and feel like I don’t have any future, like I won’t be able to live like a decent human being in this fucking crowded and expensive city because I wouldn’t have enough money. I really love this city and I want to be able to live in here in the future, but taking the subway everyday and spending 3 hours of my day in transportation just starts to feel really overwhelming. I started to always plan my sleep, there is no time when I get home to just S L E E P for 7 hours. And I have so much more stuff to do before sleeping, like studying my exams, eating, or relaxing. I am obsessed with the idea of somehow being famous or something and having a lot of money. I feel like I’m in a mine field.

Yesterday at the dinner table with my family, we talked about how it would be amazing if EU would remove the visas that they had put for Turkey (because they are very expensive). We would travel a lot. We would go to Europe all four of us. My mom said it would be amazing to go to Italy, who has never been abroad before. We talked about this stuff because there were some stuff about it on the news, like the possibility of it. Then those attacks happened in Paris. It was 2 am when I heard the news in Turkey, and we woke my dad up from his sleep, we watched the news. I read the witnesses’ interviews on the Guardian, translated it to my father and my mother, we all teared up. These things that has happened in Paris, these had happened to us before. We teared up before. Innocent people’s lives, they don’t matter in Turkey. Only lives that matters are the ones who got the money. Dreams of visiting Europe were dreams of stepping out of hell for a little bit, it was like dreaming to see normal people, civilization. What a stupid dream we had, islamaphobia will close the borders now, and we have no hope of getting near these places ever again. People killing innocent people. People blaming innocent people. Nobody understands each other. Nobody cares about any other.

I know my problems are not that important compared to others, but these are the things that go inside my head, and I have a need to spit it out like everybody else.

Here’s a video about first world problems.

Yeah, I didn’t really keep my promise to myself on writing every day. But I did yoga, which I think was a pretty good thing.

I’m doing yoga for the past 4 days, and hopefully I will continue on doing it in following days. I’m up pretty early in the morning, so I did this video as a routine in the mornings in my free days, but this morning I was up really early and I was in a hurry, and in the evening I did another video of SarahBethYoga. She is pretty damn good. One of the best yoga videos I’ve ever seen in YouTube. She does not push, and she does not hurry, she explains everything really good and her voice is so soothing. Hopefully I’m going to do the morning routine tomorrow morning and see how it will turn out on my body during a school day.

So, I will explain really quickly what I’m up to this year in uni, and also in life. Then I’m gonna play some Don’t Starve, and hop on to the bed. This year is my last year, so I’m doing my final project, which I’ve done the field study and research with a colleague, led by one of our teachers and friends; a doctorate student. I’m planning on continuing on the academy so my final project is really important for me. I’m observing the thin sections of rocks that we have collected so far. I plan to send an abstract for a poster to the EGU General Assembly 2016 in Vienna. Pretty exciting.

This is it for today, let’s hop on to bed because I’m sooo tired. Have nice day y’all.

yeah finally i stopped procrastinating and started with the goal of writing something EVERY DAY. let’s see how far it goes. in addition to writing everyday, i will try to draw something every day, too. i got these ideas from some YouTube videos.

this is a video about how you should try to draw stuff instead of taking pictures of them, therefore you can appreciate them more.

this is a video about how you should be commiting to the act of creativity to be able to express yourself and tell your story. 

hopefully, these stuff that i’m gonna be doing will also give me a therapeutic experience, because i need that. i really need that, i need to take care of my body, i need to eat healthy, i need to run and i need to stretch. i will try to start exercising this week if my schedule would allow it, and if not, maybe yoga at home. fingers crossed. it is gonna be it for today. let’s see what will i have to talk about tomorrow.

see y a all.

It’s impossible to describe how alone I feel.

And unfortunately I don’t have anything to make myself forget about this, I’m sick and I can’t go out even if the school’s started. It actually makes it worse because everybody’s doing something and you know expressing themselves about how they missed each other. It makes me feel more like sitting in the corner. I don’t feel like doing anything, until yesterday I was watching Parks and Recreation‘s old episodes over and over again, and now I don’t even want to do that anymore. I had an argument with somebody from YouTube in comments section and I was saying ridiculous things, I was really angry and I ended up apologizing.

Now I’ve come to the most miserable stage of my miserableness, and it is going through a pool called What’s in Your Bag in Flickr. I don’t have anything to do besides that. Actually I have, but I don’t feel like I’m capable to do any of those things.

Second Skin

Throughout this year, I’ve been quite obsessed with StyleLikeU which is a site that is founded by Elisa and Lily, lovely mother and daughter. Watching their webisodes and reading the blog was a huge inspiration, because this site tries to reflect the people that are included in their site as much as possible. You wouldn’t have the chance to feel like understanding a person that much when you were reading an article from Vogue or something, and this is really not fashion, this is a person’s personality. And StyleLikeU really emphasizes that in their videos. There are closet interviews of artists, musicians, writers, dancers, knitters… all kind of different people. Famous, or not. It was a pleasure to watch Dita Von Teese‘s for example.

Even though these videos were the things that I watched to make my mood better, and have some inspiration sometimes, there are some webisodes of StyleLikeU that I’ve never missed. Second Skin. It is really weird to watch people wearing a complete stranger’s clothes, and see how they judge each other by their clothes at first. But they really understand each other when they meet. The video that I put to the beginning of my post affected me the most, because two women judged each other by their clothes a lot and then at the end of the day, they still were not comfortable in someone else’s skin, but they embraced each other. And when they meet, they see that clothes is nothing. Also this new episode is amazing too, especially seeing Elana cry made my eyes watery. I do have a lot of prejudgements about people’s appearance when I first see them, I think this webisodes are helping me a lot to get over it.

And also, I think they will release the new episode of second skin in several days which include Arabelle Sicardi, who I’m sure a lot of Rookie readers know 🙂 I’m looking forward to it. And they also have her closet interview.

I’ve just realized that I was doing really stupid things for the last couple of weeks.

I feel like all creativity and spark in my body has gone away and I’m living in a gray cloud for 5 or 6 years, and especially in last two years. It’s nearly the same time when I started high school, and also it was the beginning of my “outgoing” world. I started to make new friends. I don’t know if it’s right to say “new” friends because I haven’t had any “old” ones. So I think it’s more reasonable to say that they were my first real friends. Before then, I was a total weirdo to my all primary and middle school friends, and that was simply because I was reading a lot, and I was reading everything, not just children or teenage books, literally everything. I think these reading actions and my friends’ reactions made me a little bit introverted, and I kept on reading and it lead me to writing and then it lead me to drawing. Having all these beautiful friends made me a different person, it turned out that I’m a really extroverted person, actually. And people liked me, I was the topic of their conversations sometimes, people that I don’t even know their name talked to me and told me that they liked me even before they meet me. I was no longer a wallflower and there were no longer any time to read, write or draw things. The number of the things I produce decreased in time.

Now the times when I don’t have anything to do (I usually don’t have anything to do) I just sleep. I don’t read books at all. I procrastinate. Drawing feels like I’m always copying other works. I got bored from the musics I listen. When I was younger, I was daydreaming about really good short stories and how to illustrate them, and now the things I daydream about is tomorrow’s outfit, or “I wonder what will they say to me tomorrow” or “what they think about me?”. And at the same time I’m constantly trying to make an impression like I don’t care other people’s opinions, like I can do whatever I want. I get mad at people who’s judging other people, I’m saying things like “it doesn’t matter what others think do whatever you want” to other people who asks about my opinion on something about themselves; and I probably asked 30 people or something what are their opinions about me cutting bangs even though I really want to get bangs. Some of them said “yes” and some of them said “no” and I didn’t get the bangs because my boyfriend doesn’t like them. It come to a point I no longer have an idea about myself and I can’t have my own decisions. And I keep acting like I’m okay, I’m the coolest person on this planet. I’m starting to freak out. The pieces of my personality are falling apart. I wish I had more time to do the things I want to do, and I wasted like 20 hours to do some clueless weird things. I’m getting bored of everything, and I’m so tense. I’m freaking out.

I can’t believe I answered a quiz called “Bangs: Should You Get Them?” while I should be doing my mineralogy homework. And the result says that I definitely should get bangs, and they suggested me to get side-swept bangs. HELL NO. 

I shouldn’t have watched that much New Girl, now I’m trying to be cute as Zooey Deschanel 😦