I’ve just realized that I was doing really stupid things for the last couple of weeks.

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I feel like all creativity and spark in my body has gone away and I’m living in a gray cloud for 5 or 6 years, and especially in last two years. It’s nearly the same time when I started high school, and also it was the beginning of my “outgoing” world. I started to make new friends. I don’t know if it’s right to say “new” friends because I haven’t had any “old” ones. So I think it’s more reasonable to say that they were my first real friends. Before then, I was a total weirdo to my all primary and middle school friends, and that was simply because I was reading a lot, and I was reading everything, not just children or teenage books, literally everything. I think these reading actions and my friends’ reactions made me a little bit introverted, and I kept on reading and it lead me to writing and then it lead me to drawing. Having all these beautiful friends made me a different person, it turned out that I’m a really extroverted person, actually. And people liked me, I was the topic of their conversations sometimes, people that I don’t even know their name talked to me and told me that they liked me even before they meet me. I was no longer a wallflower and there were no longer any time to read, write or draw things. The number of the things I produce decreased in time.

Now the times when I don’t have anything to do (I usually don’t have anything to do) I just sleep. I don’t read books at all. I procrastinate. Drawing feels like I’m always copying other works. I got bored from the musics I listen. When I was younger, I was daydreaming about really good short stories and how to illustrate them, and now the things I daydream about is tomorrow’s outfit, or “I wonder what will they say to me tomorrow” or “what they think about me?”. And at the same time I’m constantly trying to make an impression like I don’t care other people’s opinions, like I can do whatever I want. I get mad at people who’s judging other people, I’m saying things like “it doesn’t matter what others think do whatever you want” to other people who asks about my opinion on something about themselves; and I probably asked 30 people or something what are their opinions about me cutting bangs even though I really want to get bangs. Some of them said “yes” and some of them said “no” and I didn’t get the bangs because my boyfriend doesn’t like them. It come to a point I no longer have an idea about myself and I can’t have my own decisions. And I keep acting like I’m okay, I’m the coolest person on this planet. I’m starting to freak out. The pieces of my personality are falling apart. I wish I had more time to do the things I want to do, and I wasted like 20 hours to do some clueless weird things. I’m getting bored of everything, and I’m so tense. I’m freaking out.

i’m constantly trying to find new artists on internet to be inspired, i followed dozens of creative + artsy tumblr but no. inspire. at. all. i’m gonna die uncreative and in my older days i still will be a fangirl. fangirl nanny. she stares at things.

and here’s a speech (is it a speech?) of tavi gevinson about fangirling to celebrate my dull part of brain which is meant to be creative and stuff :

and i’m not THAT useless, currently i’m trying to learn adobe illustrator. i even brought a book about it from the library. yaay.

and i’m also posting the same things that i posted to tumblr to here, too :/

Should I continue to blog in here? I kinda like tumblr and find it easy and instant, but this place is really wonderful to create looooong blog posts. It would be so good if wordpress has a tumblr widget or something, that can post the things I posted in tumblr to here. Not rebloggings, just the posts that I personally posted. Maybe it exists, but I couldn’t find it 😦

I can hear the followers sayin’ “you don’t even post anything!!!” 

Yeah.

how can you not like this song, how can you not be curious about london?

oh, london
where it’s gloomy in the fall
i can’t shake the sadness
cause it’s never that small
but we’re all sad together
so I’m not alone at all

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