My inner voice won’t stop and I wouldn’t be able to do anything this weekend if I don’t put something out in writing. So, here I am.
I’m thinking about some physical positivities and negativities that I’ve observed in my body. Firstly, I have better skin. I still have some closed comodones on my chin, but my skin progressed a lot, it is especially good today. My hair, is not that bad anymore, I like the “long pixie”. My short hair cut started to become a layered bob, so that’s that. I’m trying to improve my sexual-self inside and outside, which I don’t feel ready to talk about yet. Maybe I will. Depending on the comments, maybe. And I have seen some improvement. I am trying to take care of my body, I try to drink more water, I try to do some yoga, I try to exfoliate my body skin and try some stuff new in the shower, etc. The only negative thing that I have about my body is my weight. I’m getting heavier and heavier. I wouldn’t feel so bad about gaining weight if I wasn’t eating junk food, but I do. I don’t eat it as much as a normal teenager’s everyday junk food portion still, but I eat it. I feel like I shouldn’t be eating it at all. And if you know me, I’m chewing a lot of gum, non-sugar ones. It’s kind of becoming an addiction. I need to minimize chewing gum, or stop it, but I love it a lot and it kind of keeps me from eating junk food I guess. So I have some ridiculous gum addiction and eating disorder problems this month. Yeah. Problems of a weirdo.
And obviously there are some psychological stuff that has been on me for quite a while. I still feel so blank and uninspired, and even though I was pretty sure that I was going to be an academician on geology, I sometimes ask “am I doing the right thing?” questions to myself. Because I don’t do any work, I am not excited about it anymore lately. But I am not excited about anything except TV shows and stuff, so maybe this is just temporary. I guess feeling weird about geology is just my need to get out of this world, like the fact that I don’t want to live in Turkey anymore. I want to be in a place that I would feel like a normal person. I don’t want to fear walking down at the streets that are just only 1 or 2 kms away from my home. I don’t want to live in this environment. I don’t want to feel poor, and feel like I don’t have any future, like I won’t be able to live like a decent human being in this fucking crowded and expensive city because I wouldn’t have enough money. I really love this city and I want to be able to live in here in the future, but taking the subway everyday and spending 3 hours of my day in transportation just starts to feel really overwhelming. I started to always plan my sleep, there is no time when I get home to just S L E E P for 7 hours. And I have so much more stuff to do before sleeping, like studying my exams, eating, or relaxing. I am obsessed with the idea of somehow being famous or something and having a lot of money. I feel like I’m in a mine field.
Yesterday at the dinner table with my family, we talked about how it would be amazing if EU would remove the visas that they had put for Turkey (because they are very expensive). We would travel a lot. We would go to Europe all four of us. My mom said it would be amazing to go to Italy, who has never been abroad before. We talked about this stuff because there were some stuff about it on the news, like the possibility of it. Then those attacks happened in Paris. It was 2 am when I heard the news in Turkey, and we woke my dad up from his sleep, we watched the news. I read the witnesses’ interviews on the Guardian, translated it to my father and my mother, we all teared up. These things that has happened in Paris, these had happened to us before. We teared up before. Innocent people’s lives, they don’t matter in Turkey. Only lives that matters are the ones who got the money. Dreams of visiting Europe were dreams of stepping out of hell for a little bit, it was like dreaming to see normal people, civilization. What a stupid dream we had, islamaphobia will close the borders now, and we have no hope of getting near these places ever again. People killing innocent people. People blaming innocent people. Nobody understands each other. Nobody cares about any other.
I know my problems are not that important compared to others, but these are the things that go inside my head, and I have a need to spit it out like everybody else.