It’s impossible to describe how alone I feel.

And unfortunately I don’t have anything to make myself forget about this, I’m sick and I can’t go out even if the school’s started. It actually makes it worse because everybody’s doing something and you know expressing themselves about how they missed each other. It makes me feel more like sitting in the corner. I don’t feel like doing anything, until yesterday I was watching Parks and Recreation‘s old episodes over and over again, and now I don’t even want to do that anymore. I had an argument with somebody from YouTube in comments section and I was saying ridiculous things, I was really angry and I ended up apologizing.

Now I’ve come to the most miserable stage of my miserableness, and it is going through a pool called What’s in Your Bag in Flickr. I don’t have anything to do besides that. Actually I have, but I don’t feel like I’m capable to do any of those things.

Throughout this year, I’ve been quite obsessed with StyleLikeU which is a site that is founded by Elisa and Lily, lovely mother and daughter. Watching their webisodes and reading the blog was a huge inspiration, because this site tries to reflect the people that are included in their site as much as possible. You wouldn’t have the chance to feel like understanding a person that much when you were reading an article from Vogue or something, and this is really not fashion, this is a person’s personality. And StyleLikeU really emphasizes that in their videos. There are closet interviews of artists, musicians, writers, dancers, knitters… all kind of different people. Famous, or not. It was a pleasure to watch Dita Von Teese‘s for example.

Even though these videos were the things that I watched to make my mood better, and have some inspiration sometimes, there are some webisodes of StyleLikeU that I’ve never missed. Second Skin. It is really weird to watch people wearing a complete stranger’s clothes, and see how they judge each other by their clothes at first. But they really understand each other when they meet. The video that I put to the beginning of my post affected me the most, because two women judged each other by their clothes a lot and then at the end of the day, they still were not comfortable in someone else’s skin, but they embraced each other. And when they meet, they see that clothes is nothing. Also this new episode is amazing too, especially seeing Elana cry made my eyes watery. I do have a lot of prejudgements about people’s appearance when I first see them, I think this webisodes are helping me a lot to get over it.

And also, I think they will release the new episode of second skin in several days which include Arabelle Sicardi, who I’m sure a lot of Rookie readers know :) I’m looking forward to it. And they also have her closet interview.

I feel like all creativity and spark in my body has gone away and I’m living in a gray cloud for 5 or 6 years, and especially in last two years. It’s nearly the same time when I started high school, and also it was the beginning of my “outgoing” world. I started to make new friends. I don’t know if it’s right to say “new” friends because I haven’t had any “old” ones. So I think it’s more reasonable to say that they were my first real friends. Before then, I was a total weirdo to my all primary and middle school friends, and that was simply because I was reading a lot, and I was reading everything, not just children or teenage books, literally everything. I think these reading actions and my friends’ reactions made me a little bit introverted, and I kept on reading and it lead me to writing and then it lead me to drawing. Having all these beautiful friends made me a different person, it turned out that I’m a really extroverted person, actually. And people liked me, I was the topic of their conversations sometimes, people that I don’t even know their name talked to me and told me that they liked me even before they meet me. I was no longer a wallflower and there were no longer any time to read, write or draw things. The number of the things I produce decreased in time.

Now the times when I don’t have anything to do (I usually don’t have anything to do) I just sleep. I don’t read books at all. I procrastinate. Drawing feels like I’m always copying other works. I got bored from the musics I listen. When I was younger, I was daydreaming about really good short stories and how to illustrate them, and now the things I daydream about is tomorrow’s outfit, or “I wonder what will they say to me tomorrow” or “what they think about me?”. And at the same time I’m constantly trying to make an impression like I don’t care other people’s opinions, like I can do whatever I want. I get mad at people who’s judging other people, I’m saying things like “it doesn’t matter what others think do whatever you want” to other people who asks about my opinion on something about themselves; and I probably asked 30 people or something what are their opinions about me cutting bangs even though I really want to get bangs. Some of them said “yes” and some of them said “no” and I didn’t get the bangs because my boyfriend doesn’t like them. It come to a point I no longer have an idea about myself and I can’t have my own decisions. And I keep acting like I’m okay, I’m the coolest person on this planet. I’m starting to freak out. The pieces of my personality are falling apart. I wish I had more time to do the things I want to do, and I wasted like 20 hours to do some clueless weird things. I’m getting bored of everything, and I’m so tense. I’m freaking out.

i’m constantly trying to find new artists on internet to be inspired, i followed dozens of creative + artsy tumblr but no. inspire. at. all. i’m gonna die uncreative and in my older days i still will be a fangirl. fangirl nanny. she stares at things.

and here’s a speech (is it a speech?) of tavi gevinson about fangirling to celebrate my dull part of brain which is meant to be creative and stuff :

and i’m not THAT useless, currently i’m trying to learn adobe illustrator. i even brought a book about it from the library. yaay.

and i’m also posting the same things that i posted to tumblr to here, too :/

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